Life Is Not a Reality Show Page 2
But being confident includes taking care of yourself and looking out for your own needs. Having a clear idea of who you are and what you really want is part of being comfortable with yourself.
Choosing a mate based on those considerations is the way to go.
Not to take all the romance out of it, but it might be helpful to think of dating as a hiring process. You’re considering whether you want this guy in your life long-term, and it’s a very important position to fill. You have to be clear-eyed in assessing whether he really fits the job. (You, of course, will also be competing for the “job” of being a part of his life, but we’ll cover that later!)
So, what kind of man are you looking to hire?
I have some friends who’ve always been drawn to bad boys—you know, the type who’s charming and exciting but also a little dangerous. You can’t always be sure of what they’re doing or with whom! I was never attracted to the bad boys; I always wanted the nice ones, the kind ones, the good guys—even when I was very young. I said to a friend once, “You always go for the guy with the tattoos, and I’m looking for the one in a suit!” Not that you can’t find a nice guy with tattoos or an ass in a suit. I’m just saying, if you’re looking for a satisfying, stable, long-term relationship, bad boys may not be your best bet.
And the really hot guys aren’t always your best bet either. When you’re out there surveying your field of candidates, your eye may instantly go to the guy that is stunning and sexy and has an incredible body. Of course! But that doesn’t mean your heart has to follow. I have a friend who’s completely obsessed with a guy who works at her local coffee shop. “Oh, he’s so hot!” she tells me. Okay, but what else? His character needs to match up. This friend has another guy who’s been pursuing her. He’s absolutely smitten; he sends her gifts and flowers and isn’t afraid to show her that he wants to make her the most important person in his life. “I’m sorry,” I say, “but do you really have to analyze this?” Do you really want to be with the person whose looks are going to fade, who’s going to make you worry, who may not return your phone calls? The one who’s going to torture you? Really?
Don’t spend your time looking for the hot guy and miss the one who’s going to treat you like a princess and make you fall so in love with him that you can’t imagine yourself with anyone else. It may take you longer to fall in love, but you’ll have a much better life with the second guy. Believe me, in the community I live in, which as we all know tends to emphasize looks (and has more than its share of beautiful bad boys), I’ve seen it go both ways.
If you want a solid relationship, pick a solid guy. I’m not saying attraction isn’t important. Of course you have to be attracted to a man to even consider spending your life with him! But don’t, please, pick a man based on his looks.
I am fortunate, because I got the complete package in Mauricio. He’s not only a good, loving person and a terrific father—totally solid—but he’s also gorgeous, if I do say so myself. But that’s just a little bonus, an area where I got lucky. I don’t think he was as hot when I first met him; he’s actually gotten better looking through the years! I used to think he was my little secret, but now the secret’s out!
Remember that women’s looks matter a lot to men. How could we ever forget it! Obviously, the way you look is what initially draws guys. It’s the first thing they notice. Now ask yourself, what are you putting out there for them to notice? Think back to the job metaphor—you want to make sure you’re advertising correctly for the position you have to fill and the kind of person you want to fill it.
For example, if you want to attract the guy who’s into porn stars, or maybe the one who only thinks about sex, or perhaps the guy who’s a cheater, then wear something that barely covers your ass and lets your boobs hang out.
If that’s not your type, if you’re looking for a man who is more interested in substance, then dress in something a little more substantial! Show a little less. A classy look will appeal to classy types of guys. Sure, it’s possible that fewer men will look at you when you’re walking through the restaurant. But the ones who do look at you are the ones you want looking at you! And once they come to talk to you, you can be pretty certain that they like what they see.
Which reminds me of a type of guy who spells trouble from the get-go—the guy who sees a pretty girl go by and swivels his neck around like he’s in The Exorcist to watch her until she’s out of sight. To me that is such a red flag. It shows complete lack of respect for the woman he’s with. My husband would never do that. If he did, he’d have no more eyeballs! They would be removed from the sockets and put in a box and locked away. Ha-ha!
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Old-Fashioned Girl
I grew up with a lot of traditional values, especially when it comes to relationships between men and women. For example, the whole idea of going on a date with a guy and splitting the bill … that does not work for me. That would never work for me. I can’t imagine it, because I was raised to think a gentleman should pay for a lady.
Even when we first started dating, Mauricio would never allow a woman to lay down money for a bill. I’ll never forget one time when my friend handed him twenty dollars for something and it sat on the table while we were all talking. I kept staring at that $20 bill, thinking, “Oh my God, if he picks that up, it’s gonna be over!” I couldn’t even concentrate on the conversation.
Finally he picked up the bill and said, “Whose is this? Here, take it back,” and he handed it back to her. I was so relieved! He passed the test!
For me, it’s Dating 101: you should never, ever offer to pay the bill when you’re dating. For one thing, it sets a precedent. And if a guy expects you to split a bill, I think it’s an indication that he’s cheap. I don’t like cheap, and it has nothing to do with the amount of money someone has. You can be rich and cheap—believe me, I have seen plenty of that!
My girlfriends and I used to joke that when we see a guy happily going Dutch, it’s like his wiener falls off!
Please don’t think I’m saying that guys should be taking you out and treating you all the time if they can’t afford it. If a guy doesn’t have money, then tell him he doesn’t have to take you to dinner! Suggest you do something else fun that doesn’t cost a lot—have dinner at home, see a movie.
But if he asks you to dinner, he should pay. Then one night, you can take him out to dinner and treat him, as a special occasion.
I know some people will consider me old-fashioned, but it’s just the way I was brought up. The other night Mauricio and I were out with two other couples, and when I excused myself to go to the ladies’ room, all three men stood up! Oh my God, when does that ever happen in this day and age? Three absolute gentlemen. I love that!
I also love it when my husband opens the car door for me. But only when we’re leaving—not when we arrive at our destination. Then I open the door myself because it’s too embarrassing to sit there waiting for him to come around and open my door. I mean, this isn’t the 1940s!
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Remember, you deserve to be treated with respect, and a guy who’s good for the long haul will always treat you with respect. But not only you. A good person treats everybody with respect. That quality was something I found very attractive in Mauricio, and, I think, he in me. It’s a lot of what draws us to the friends we have. We like to spend time with people who are genuine.
Mauricio is such a people person. Sometimes when we come out of a restaurant and the valet attendant brings the car around, he’ll be chatting with him and high-fiving him and exchanging phone numbers. “I’ll call you!” he says on our way out. It doesn’t matter who you are or where you came from or what you have, he treats everyone with kindness and respect. In this town, that’s not always the way it goes. A lot of people only care about who you are, where you come from, or what you have. I can see those people a mile away, the social climbers who surround themselves with people with status or money and treat everybody else like dirt. You don’t want a sn
ob for a boyfriend, much less a husband.
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Do Something Nice
I really do think it’s important for you to refrain from paying when you’re on a date. But that doesn’t mean you can’t do something special for a man you’re seeing. Maybe on his birthday you can take him to his favorite steak house. Or don’t even wait for a special occasion. Just call him up and say, “I want to do something special for you, and I have a fun evening planned.” You could get him tickets to a game. If he’s a sports fanatic, he’ll love you for that! Even now, in my marriage, long after the dating stage, I know that when I cook a big meal for Mauricio’s entire family on a Jewish holiday, it makes him so happy and appreciative.
Bottom line: yes, let him pay on your dates, but now and then make a heartfelt and thoughtful gesture to let him know you care and that you appreciate him.
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So we want Mr. Right to be respectful to you and respectful of people in general, but what about the relationships in his life—the ones that existed before you came along? How does he get along with his parents and siblings? Is he good to his mother? How does he treat kids? How does he treat animals? (I personally would be extremely wary of a man who wasn’t nice to animals, even if he didn’t particularly like them or want them as pets.)
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Still a Hot Commodity
Men never lose that instinctive desire to be the hunter, even after they’ve caught their prey: you! You want to feed that instinct by making sure you remain a tasty morsel they’ll lunge for, no matter how long you’ve been married. The best way to do that is to remain your own person after you’re married—an independent being with your own interests. Your husband can’t be expected to fulfill all your needs. Have your own life!
It’s also important to nourish his sense of self. Tell him he’s hot and fabulous. Build his confidence! Stroke his ego. And why not act like you are the hottest stuff going?
Nourish your own sense of self too. Carry yourself with pride. A woman who is comfortable with herself and not seeking approval all the time is much more alluring than one who puts herself down. But not so comfortable that you’re digging ice cream out of the carton in stained sweatpants when he comes home!
And keep stoking those fires, baby. Mauricio and I call each other during the day just to say “I love you.” We try to have as many date nights as possible.
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Good Chemistry Matters
Chemistry in a relationship is not the same as sexual attraction. It’s not being magnetically drawn to someone physically. Chemistry happens when you start talking.
When I met Mauricio, I could tell he was kind and sweet by the way he talked about his parents and how polite he was. He seemed the perfect combination of masculine and gentle. I loved that he spoke Spanish, was from Mexico, and was Jewish. That was the perfect combo! I’ve always wanted to go out with someone who spoke Spanish and to marry a Jewish man because I heard they made the best husbands.
Seriously, because so many of my friends growing up were Jewish, and because my mother never taught me much about our faith, in some ways I related more to Judaism than to Catholicism. I used to pretend that I was Jewish! On the weekends I would wear my friends’ private school uniforms and a necklace with Hebrew writing on it that I’d gotten at my friend’s bat mitzvah.
How embarrassing!
I think I mostly liked pretending that I went to school with my friends. I was a child actress, and when I was five, I was cast in Little House on the Prairie. I played Alicia Sanderson Edwards and appeared on and off through seven seasons. I remember riding horses on the set and catching guppies and playing near a pond with ducks. It was a good life, but definitely not a typical upbringing. I was tutored on set, and like all of the kids on the show I went to school right there where we shot, in one classroom, with one teacher.
It was fun, and it was all I knew. But I longed to have the same kind of life my friends had. My parents were divorced, and I looked at my friends whose parents were married and wanted that so badly. I thought they were the luckiest people in the world. The dad would come home to the mom and the kids with a briefcase in his hand. I was in complete awe! I decided that when I grew up I wanted a more traditional situation, a normal family with normal kids who went to school in uniform and had parents who were married. (No coincidence that my daughters are enrolled in a Jewish school, to which they wear uniforms!)
When Mauricio came along, I was drawn to the fact that he’d grown up in a strong family.
On our first date we went to dinner, and he asked me out for lunch the next day. And at lunch, he asked me out to dinner that night. And from then on, we were together every single day and night. After four months, he said, “I’m in love with you and I can see myself spending the rest of my life with you.” And then he said, “Would you ever be willing to convert to Judaism?”
I said, “Yes.” To me, it was a big step toward that traditional life I wanted, to the sense of belonging that I’d always yearned for.
At first when Mauricio and I got serious, his parents were not wild about the idea. I don’t blame them! I was divorced, not Jewish, and an actress. Does it get any worse? I understand how they felt. I wouldn’t want that for my son.
After we got engaged his grandmother wouldn’t even look at me. So I wrote her a letter and told her I knew how much she and his parents loved Mauricio. I said, “I just hope you know how much I love him too. And I want to be the best wife to him and the best mother to our children.” I tried to explain that there was nothing more important to me than creating our family together with his family’s support, because such a big part of what attracted me to Mauricio was his closeness to his family.
That letter seemed to change everything—along with a talk Mauricio had with his mother. He said, “Isn’t it wonderful that I’ve had a chance to see what kind of mother Kyle will be? What a good mother she already is? How many men have that opportunity?”
If you ask me why I have such a successful marriage, I’ll tell you that it’s because Mauricio and I saw in each other attitudes and priorities and goals that we shared. Thank God we were both smart enough to recognize what we needed to go the distance.
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One thing I really liked about Mauricio even from the very first night we met and started talking was the way he spoke of his parents. You could just tell that he honored them. And he spoke of them affectionately too, which was a very good sign. Then, when we began going out, I saw that they played a big part in his life, which I loved.
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A Really Bad Day
For me, trust is essential in a relationship, and especially in my marriage. Mauricio is not a fighter; in fact, sometimes I wish I could get him to fight a little. Ha! But we have had our issues.
One of the most difficult conflicts I’ve ever experienced with my husband was when I found out that he had been keeping a secret from me. I was devastated because I felt it violated our trust.
A friend of mine had gone to lunch with Mauricio and told him that she wanted to leave her husband. She also said that she’d been cheating on her husband, who was a friend of Mauricio’s. But she asked him not to tell her husband or me any of it. And then one night at 2:00 A.M. when she had had a fight with her boyfriend she called Mauricio to come and get her, and pleaded with him not to say anything about it to her husband or me. That was when my mother was very ill and I was out of town taking care of her.
Mauricio is such a nice guy that it can get him into trouble. He doesn’t know when to say no. He went to get her that night and honored her request to keep everything confidential. But keeping that secret from me was like bringing another person into our marriage. I was extremely hurt by that, and I let him know.
He finally told me all about it during a phone call one day. I was at home, and I really lost my temper. He said he hadn’t wanted to bother me when I was out of town, and he was just trying to be a nice guy, but
I felt he had violated the sanctity of our marriage.
You don’t keep things from each other like that! Especially not when you’re allying yourself with a friend of mine and the two of you are keeping a secret from me! I was so upset it’s hard to describe. It was the worst day of our marriage.
I told him not to bother coming home that night. But he came home anyway. I threw a candle at him, and it hit the wall. Mauricio apologized profusely, but it took me a while to calm down. Later, we said “I love you” before we went to bed, but really getting over it took time and a lot of discussion about trust and keeping our bond intact. But we were ultimately successful because we do have trust in our relationship.
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Of course, it’s possible to have too much of a good thing! If a man is so devoted to his parents—let’s face it, usually his mother—that they’re essentially running his life, that can be a problem. Often it will resolve itself naturally; a young, single guy is likely to grow out of that kind of extreme attachment once he has his own family. But if you’re dating someone whose focus on pleasing his parents is getting in the way of your relationship, you’ll have to raise the issue with him—in a very gentle, sensitive way!—and try to help him shift his focus. You’ll be treading on dangerous ground, though. You don’t want to be seen as an interloper, so make it clear that you respect and embrace his family. If it continues to be a problem, decide how much it means to you. Is it worth ending the relationship over? I would much rather have a guy who’s close to his parents than one who has no relationship with them at all.